Wednesday, January 28, 2009


i met dean at the tail end of my last year of collage. i was 20. a girl in my class and i became close and she was dating his roommate dave. he was tall, 6"5, dark, handsome, brooding. gave the impression to any and all, that he was not interested at all in the opposite sex. good show i must say. now..i did NOT take this as a challenge..i had a boyfriend at the time, as absent as he was. so i thought "this guy can send daggers at me if he wants...i don't want him anyway" ha! low and behold..his angst sucked me in and we started dating shortly after my collage bo and i broke up.

things were good. i moved back home, found a job and commuted back and forth on my days off to be with him in Vienna, yes i just said Vienna. teeny tiny little village outside of Tillsonburg. he had his issues, cheating, controlling X girlfriend but i was the opposite to that so i thought.."no worries". we got along, with minor hick ups but no fights. we found common inters ts and one being "time spent in the bedroom" lol go figure. so with this said. 6 months in..i got pregnant. i was semi happy..didn't expect to be starting a family this young but figured we could deal. he on the other hand didn't take it quite so well. he was scared. a confirmed women hater, not only in a relationship..a new one at that but also becoming a dad in short order. he did the right thing though. we made changes. got ready for our arrival with trepidations "who wouldn't?" at 7 months i became concerned that i hadn't been gaining enough weight "6 pounds to be exact" so i stressed to the doc "that something was wrong" and i was sent for tests, ultra sounds etc. we discovered that our little one had something called Potters Syndrome "renal agenesis" in layman's terms..he didn't grow kidney's. so despite everything the doc's could do..our son, gerrald paul died.

now you would think that an experience like soon into a relationship would kill it. the grief and pain would blot out anything that was there before but it wasn't so. dean and i spent another 7.5 years together. the first 5 years were good...great even. we started sailing, man we could put that boat up in no time flat and not even have to say a word. we were in sync. the problem was that the longer we were together, how good we were together..i though it should be time to begin thinking about making things more permanent, maybe try for a family again. he said he felt the same way. yes we'll get married, yes we'll have kids..but after i do this..or do that. soon years were being stolen, with all these things that needed to be done before our lives together, as a family could begin. i started getting resentful. he started getting angry. soon..we weren't speaking much. he was gone from the house for 16 hours a day (various projects) and i began to find my own way. started the gym, started acting in live theatre. we became separate entities. living in the same home, sleeping in the same bed. we were miserable.

finally the year i turned 29 i decided that i had waited long enough for "something" to happen and i called it quits. 8 years of my life..gone. now..its rather dramatic of me to say gone. i have learned to take the good and leave the bad. i grew and experienced so many things with dean. i had a little gerri. he'd be 15 now..weird. i don't regret a single moment so the time really isn't gone. its

so it was over. i bought the house we lived in from him and we moved on. it was was was scary as all get out but i did it. i was on my way to being truly independent. in charge of my life for the first time ever.


  1. Very interesting.. me, being 23 on the verge of marriage and babies. Thanks for your insight.

  2. All i can say is WOW!!! I know when i (the little women and i) lost one in early 2000 it practical tore me apart..... Unlike u i bottled it inside and that was the beginning of the end for my relationship.... I wish i can write what i feel like u can....keep up the great work!!!!!

  3. 15 years? How time flies. He's always got a comfy spot in my heart and a quiet place in a corner of my mind, San.


Go your worst or beef me up like crazy..tell me how wonderful i am..or how full of crap to...i can take it all