so i went to some auditions tonight...yup..me. auditioning for a play lol not so unfamiliar though..most of you don't know that i spent a good 5 years pounding out the plays. i directed 3, acted in 4, did make up, props, got on the board of directors. i fully immersed myself into the arts. my parents always told me that i was a ham..but it took me a while to show the rest of the world. i fell in love...the people i did plays with became a family to me. after each play was completed..i was sad. well most of the time. there were a couple of times..oh boy i couldn't get outta there fast enough. but there were some plays that hurt so much when it ended. my first play was the worst. it was the mellville boys by norm foster. i played mary..a jaded, store owner in the middle of boonyville where she grew up all her life. her sister, loretta... on the other hand was not stuck in the sticks. she had dreams of being an actress, big lights big city type. well these two girls end up running into two brothers, owen and lee...off on a male bonding weekend. a time to put all things to rest so to speak. ...you see. lee, was dying. he came on this weekend to make his bother see that he can't be in denial any longer. that he had responsibilities..lee needed owen to take care of his wife and kids after he was gone. owen..didn't want a thing to do with coming to grips, he wanted to live in a world where brothers don't get cancer and die. he was determined to find any form of distraction he could to avoid having THE TALK with lee and loretta was right up his alley. let's just say there were boats, and life jackets. romps in the bedroom, and gut wrenching emotions. there was turnip cake and near beer. and "my frickin husband leaves me..this sucks" (i forgot my line while choking on near beer and chocolate cake and it came out that way. it was close..the audience got the gist)... so anyway, it was by far the best experience i ever had in theatre. the cast was beautiful, we meshed so well. we hung out alot, loretta and owen started a relationship from that play and even had a child together. i was very sad when it ended. i sat in the tub that night, after the wrap up party, thinking that i didn't want to wash off my make up..i didn't want to stop being mary. "sigh"
so anywho..the auditions tonight were on the western campus (university to those who don't know where i live lol) and boy oh boy i sure wish i had had the chance to go to university. just wandering around (mostly coz i couldn't find where the hell i was supposed to go) made me feel all...ummm..its kinda hard to describe. like i missed something maybe? like how cool would it be to sit under that tree with some big book that had lots of big words in it and confused the hell out me. i don't know..cool though. of course i would totally blend right in..not worries bout me lookin like the old gal on campus. i've been blessed with good genes and look far younger than i am. those that know me in "real world time" can attest to the fact that i don't act my real age either. much to their annoyance lol
so the b/f tells me i should go back to school. says that i would love it and really get something out of it but i don't know..thats a lot of money..and who has any of that nowadays. not very many lol but it is something to think about. you don't stop learning till your dead. and you can quote me on that lol
not since i have my C-section have i experienced this kind of pain. so far i have been blessed with a healthy life. never broke anything major or even minor for that matter. couple fingers..a few toes. was really sick as a kid once and a handful of bad flu's and colds as an adult but generally i've been charmed with good health. here's the rub...i was lulled into a sort of complacency...never really believing "until my maker comes for me" that i could or would get seriously hurt. ha..i'm not seriously hurt..just a messed up back but man..it hurts. but its not the pain that prompted this blog..its the feeling of helplessness that is accompanying this minor set back. i can still move around.."like an old women" being careful...sitting gingerly...not twisting..not bending..calling in sick to BOTH jobs. this sucks!
i have always been proud of my physicality..my ability to "bounce back" and i'm not kidding when i say bounce! for those that know and love me..know that i'm a bouncer. just call me tigger..and i'm just about as graceful as tig to. i always have bruises from me "bouncing" off of walls...telephone poles...people. most times i don't even know where half my bumps come from. "its all part of me charm, don'tcha know?" anyway..i digress. my point is..this is not me. i can't do this "injured person act" i can't be this...sad little person that has to lay on the floor with her feet and legs at a 90 degree angle, rocking back and forth to ease the pain. sleeping with a pillow between her legs so it doesn't hurt. frick! i'm so frustrated!
its time for change and the only one that can do that is me. so here..right now...i promise to be more positive..to be more optimistic..to take each day for what it is and try not to worry about the future so much. i will find the joy again in those little things and share them with you. i will try to find balance in my life and in my soul. i will try to become the person i used to be.
as most of you know...b/f and i broke up a some weeks ago " i really can't remember if its been 2 weeks or 3..feels like i have lived several lives in this short span of time". so b/f turned into X b/f, roommate guy...because he moved here to be with me and left everything behind him. so we have been living in this weird, confusing, painful surreal situation that continues to become more confusing with each progressing day. for the first little while i tried to stay away, stay late at work, go to the gym, have a hot tub to extend the time, leaving early and getting to work before everyone else "which i have to say..i like. office to myself, i can check my mail, blog, eat breakfast..its great" anyway... it eventually come up "while home at the same time" that i didn't need to give him space coz it hurt no matter if i was here or not. great..so i stopped avoiding going home.."still doing all the samethings i was doing, gym etc but i don't feel like i can't come home now." so its easier. i developed a routine "one of the many coping strategies i use to deal with stress" very predictable, safe. structured. the control freak in me was/is having a really good time. " insert evil laugh here" before to long..X b/f and i started to chat..not about anything important but just stuff. one thing he loves to do..is pepper me with news stories or facts he finds while surfing the net on his iphone. i would add maybe something i had done or heard while at work and it progressed from there. he even apologized at one point for being grumpy.." he was finding it hard not to be angry with me when he was trying to figure out how he was going to get out" things were...ok. " and i mean ok in the terms of..it was still really stressful " but things changed last week...good news first. he got a job..a crappy, boring job but a job. started last thursday. working 6pm to 2 am. i thought perfect! i don't get home from the gym till 6ish...and i'm gone by 7:30. as ok as it was...well you know. i just explained it. a job will give him his feeling of independence back..,money in his pocket again...feeling of worth and hope. i thought this was the best news ever. now up to training "of which he got home round 11:00" he had been sleeping with me in the bed " now..hold on. just wait till i explain" he tried sleeping out here..but i don't own a couch. i have a chair and a half. i love it! big enough to sprall out in and great for cuddling." i digress...he has a bad back..and he insisted that i not sleep out in the living room so....we shared a bed...and i mean share ONLY...there was a wall between us so big i'm surprised either one of us slept. so..anyway. back to the point. thursday he started sleeping in the living room again. saturday morning i woke up early..had things to do so i hopped in the shower and got ready to leave. when i was done and went out into the living room..he was sitting there and he didn't look good.
we exchanged pleasantries..you know hi...he asked me what i was doing that day..and than asks if we can talk before i went to class. " yeah..sure. everything ok?" of course everything wasn't ok... he said that he was ready now to know why? why we were here..how this came about? so i tried as best i could to explain why i felt i needed to make this decision. for as abundantly positive i am on the outside..i really am rather negative on the inside...i look at it as being prudent, a planner, not negative but most do not. i feel that if you can avoid more pain, and hurt. why shouldn't you? you would jump out of the way for a dumptruck barrelling down on you so why wouldn't jump away from impending heartache? i think that is a very valid question.
but it seems that he doesn't want to move out of the way of that barrelling dumptruck. he is standing firmly in place...no holds barred....he still wants me..still wants to spend his life with me..still wants kids and a house with the white picket fence..the whole shabang! " i personally thinks he must be nuts" he wants to try again...he admits that it may not work but he wants to try. he's even in a place where he's willing go to counselling if i wanted. he believes that there is something worth salvaging here. the question is..do i?
the multitude of thoughts running through my head right now are enough to drive an insane person sane. its nuts. i knew that i had anxiety but wow! could i be thinking of any more ways that this could go wrong or right or nothing at all. can i honestly say that i tried? for me..that is the question. i've spent a number of years...since my heart was broken so completely...wondering if i am capable of trusting that much again..to give myself so completely to someone else that i'll open myself up to being hurt again. is that the reason i am here..in this place now, having dragged b/f with me. no..not totally. he messed up to...admits it freely. its a beginning.
so..do i go for round two and hope for the best? or take the easy path..the one where i can walk away not having risked anything?
here i sit. sitting in the office 45 minutes before i need to be here. i'm here before most teachers, kids for sure and i even pulled in before the principal. its very quiet and the heater is on behind me, making me nice and toasty. like everyday this week i'm here this early because of what's going on at home. its hard to spend time in a small one bedroom apt with someone that alternately looks at like you with sad, hurt, broken eyes and eyes that want to inflict a little, or a lot of pain of their own.
we had a chat last night..we had to. we have to have a plan. i know that he is still reeling from all of this..and no matter how much warning you have..it never seems to be enough. i get it. i understand and i can empathize. i'm a planner and he is not. i get that to. so when i asked him last night what his plan was..how were we going to get this done..this living together till he can move out thing i wasn't surprised "ok, i was sorta surprised" when he didn't have one. no plan. no clues, no ideas on what he was going to do next. now the control freak in me hears that and starts..you guessed it. FREAKING OUT! especially when he just sat there and looked at me with oceans of pain on his face...while i tossed ideas his way. the answer was NO to every suggestion i had. and maybe its to soon to expect anything out of him..i mean. the poor guy has got to be overwhelmed by all this. expecting something good and getting something way worse than he could have dreamed.
now i leave the house at 7:30 am everyday..work..go to the gym..and do my best to stay out of the apt as much as possible. its been working fairly well..but how long will i be able to keep this up? weeks? months? maybe. i've done something similar before, not so close a quarters but similar. i have my part time job and i can ask for more hours..there are classes to take and well hey..i can work on that six pack i've always wanted lol
i met dean at the tail end of my last year of collage. i was 20. a girl in my class and i became close and she was dating his roommate dave. he was tall, 6"5, dark, handsome, brooding. gave the impression to any and all, that he was not interested at all in the opposite sex. good show i must say. now..i did NOT take this as a challenge..i had a boyfriend at the time, as absent as he was. so i thought "this guy can send daggers at me if he wants...i don't want him anyway" ha! low and behold..his angst sucked me in and we started dating shortly after my collage bo and i broke up.
things were good. i moved back home, found a job and commuted back and forth on my days off to be with him in Vienna, yes i just said Vienna. teeny tiny little village outside of Tillsonburg. he had his issues, cheating, controlling X girlfriend but i was the opposite to that so i thought.."no worries". we got along, with minor hick ups but no fights. we found common inters ts and one being "time spent in the bedroom" lol go figure. so with this said. 6 months in..i got pregnant. i was semi happy..didn't expect to be starting a family this young but figured we could deal. he on the other hand didn't take it quite so well. he was scared. a confirmed women hater, not only in a relationship..a new one at that but also becoming a dad in short order. he did the right thing though. we made changes. got ready for our arrival with trepidations "who wouldn't?" at 7 months i became concerned that i hadn't been gaining enough weight "6 pounds to be exact" so i stressed to the doc "that something was wrong" and i was sent for tests, ultra sounds etc. we discovered that our little one had something called Potters Syndrome "renal agenesis" in layman's terms..he didn't grow kidney's. so despite everything the doc's could do..our son, gerrald paul died.
now you would think that an experience like this..so soon into a relationship would kill it. the grief and pain would blot out anything that was there before but it wasn't so. dean and i spent another 7.5 years together. the first 5 years were good...great even. we started sailing, man we could put that boat up in no time flat and not even have to say a word. we were in sync. the problem was that the longer we were together, how good we were together..i though it should be time to begin thinking about making things more permanent, maybe try for a family again. he said he felt the same way. yes we'll get married, yes we'll have kids..but after i do this..or do that. soon years were being stolen, with all these things that needed to be done before our lives together, as a family could begin. i started getting resentful. he started getting angry. soon..we weren't speaking much. he was gone from the house for 16 hours a day (various projects) and i began to find my own way. started the gym, started acting in live theatre. we became separate entities. living in the same home, sleeping in the same bed. we were miserable.
finally the year i turned 29 i decided that i had waited long enough for "something" to happen and i called it quits. 8 years of my life..gone. now..its rather dramatic of me to say gone. i have learned to take the good and leave the bad. i grew and experienced so many things with dean. i had a son..my little gerri. he'd be 15 now..weird. i don't regret a single moment so the time really isn't gone. its just..life.
so it was over. i bought the house we lived in from him and we moved on. it was hard..it was liberating..it was scary as all get out but i did it. i was on my way to being truly independent. in charge of my life for the first time ever.
ok..i finally figured it out. not the meaning of life or anything profound like that but i did figure out what to say about myself. this is me...i'm cute, funny, sweet, hyper, hyper organized, love to read, writte, do theatre, take beautiful photographs, clean my apartment, always gotta dress just different enough that you notice, blunt and honest, loves her boyfriend, likes to be home, snow, fresh towels and clean sheets, scary movies, funny movies, ok movies in general, texting, dancing in livingrooms, yoga, loves her cat..ok..i think thats enough for now..add more as i think of'em :)