Saturday, February 28, 2009

A Proclamation

its time for change and the only one that can do that is me. so here..right now...i promise to be more be more take each day for what it is and try not to worry about the future so much. i will find the joy again in those little things and share them with you. i will try to find balance in my life and in my soul. i will try to become the person i used to be.

i've been lost..and i need to be found.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Ding Ding..Round Two?

as most of you know...b/f and i broke up a some weeks ago " i really can't remember if its been 2 weeks or 3..feels like i have lived several lives in this short span of time". so b/f turned into X b/f, roommate guy...because he moved here to be with me and left everything behind him. so we have been living in this weird, confusing, painful surreal situation that continues to become more confusing with each progressing day. for the first little while i tried to stay away, stay late at work, go to the gym, have a hot tub to extend the time, leaving early and getting to work before everyone else "which i have to say..i like. office to myself, i can check my mail, blog, eat breakfast..its great" anyway... it eventually come up "while home at the same time" that i didn't need to give him space coz it hurt no matter if i was here or not. i stopped avoiding going home.."still doing all the samethings i was doing, gym etc but i don't feel like i can't come home now." so its easier. i developed a routine "one of the many coping strategies i use to deal with stress" very predictable, safe. structured. the control freak in me was/is having a really good time. " insert evil laugh here" before to long..X b/f and i started to chat..not about anything important but just stuff. one thing he loves to pepper me with news stories or facts he finds while surfing the net on his iphone. i would add maybe something i had done or heard while at work and it progressed from there. he even apologized at one point for being grumpy.." he was finding it hard not to be angry with me when he was trying to figure out how he was going to get out" things were...ok. " and i mean ok in the terms was still really stressful "
but things changed last week...good news first. he got a job..a crappy, boring job but a job. started last thursday. working 6pm to 2 am. i thought perfect! i don't get home from the gym till 6ish...and i'm gone by 7:30. as ok as it was...well you know. i just explained it. a job will give him his feeling of independence back..,money in his pocket again...feeling of worth and hope. i thought this was the best news ever. now up to training "of which he got home round 11:00" he had been sleeping with me in the bed " now..hold on. just wait till i explain" he tried sleeping out here..but i don't own a couch. i have a chair and a half. i love it! big enough to sprall out in and great for cuddling." i digress...he has a bad back..and he insisted that i not sleep out in the living room so....we shared a bed...and i mean share ONLY...there was a wall between us so big i'm surprised either one of us slept. so..anyway. back to the point. thursday he started sleeping in the living room again. saturday morning i woke up early..had things to do so i hopped in the shower and got ready to leave. when i was done and went out into the living room..he was sitting there and he didn't look good.

we exchanged know hi...he asked me what i was doing that day..and than asks if we can talk before i went to class. " yeah..sure. everything ok?" of course everything wasn't ok... he said that he was ready now to know why? why we were this came about? so i tried as best i could to explain why i felt i needed to make this decision. for as abundantly positive i am on the outside..i really am rather negative on the inside...i look at it as being prudent, a planner, not negative but most do not. i feel that if you can avoid more pain, and hurt. why shouldn't you? you would jump out of the way for a dumptruck barrelling down on you so why wouldn't jump away from impending heartache? i think that is a very valid question.

but it seems that he doesn't want to move out of the way of that barrelling dumptruck. he is standing firmly in holds barred....he still wants me..still wants to spend his life with me..still wants kids and a house with the white picket fence..the whole shabang! " i personally thinks he must be nuts" he wants to try again...he admits that it may not work but he wants to try. he's even in a place where he's willing go to counselling if i wanted. he believes that there is something worth salvaging here. the question i?

the multitude of thoughts running through my head right now are enough to drive an insane person sane. its nuts. i knew that i had anxiety but wow! could i be thinking of any more ways that this could go wrong or right or nothing at all. can i honestly say that i tried? for me..that is the question. i've spent a number of years...since my heart was broken so completely...wondering if i am capable of trusting that much give myself so completely to someone else that i'll open myself up to being hurt again. is that the reason i am this place now, having dragged b/f with me. no..not totally. he messed up to...admits it freely. its a beginning. i go for round two and hope for the best? or take the easy path..the one where i can walk away not having risked anything?