Guilt

and so it is done. its not something i'm happy about, nor proud of. the guilt i feel over this is likely to cause some pretty good scars. now i know most of you would say. "he's a big boy, he makes his own decisions." "he knew what he was getting into, he was fully aware of the nutbar that you are." "did you talk to him?" yes..i talked to him. "told him you didn't feel ready?" yes..i told him wasn't ready. "so?" so..i can't help it. i could have stopped it..no i should have stopped it. but no..i had to drag the boy guy down here..leave everything he knows, his job, his friends, his apartment. for what?..for me to continue to keep him at arms length? for more uncertainty? for more pain? guilt just doesn't seem to cut it when describing what it is i'm feeling. this sick feeling in my stomach, how i can't seem to catch my breath when i think about it. this need to someway..anyway to make things right, but not knowing how or what will do that. its all consuming.

but i have to face facts. nothing will make it right again. the words have been said and the lines have been drawn. i can only hope that he will be able to forgive me for what i have done. it was all done with the best of intentions. what better intention is there than the hopes of love and life, shared with another human being?